Sometimes I start to doubt my objectivity when a car that is supposed to be the dog’s nuts isn’t quite what I expected. I’ve read a rash of other reviews on the PHEV this week and they all seem to praise a wonderful car.

Well, not all of them. Clarkson (remember him?) didn’t like it at all. Mainly because he felt the Outlander wasn’t a good vehicle in the first place. I never thought I’d agree with JC but he’s spot on with the Mitsubishi.

I heap praise on Mitsubishi for building a plug-in that is backed up by a petrol-electric hybrid power plant but the Outlander remains a rather soul-less SUV, with a sleepy 2.0 petrol engine and fairly painful styling.

Most depressing of all is that you will never achieve the claimed 148mpg driving in the real world. The PHEV has averaged 32mpg over the last week. It can only go ‘super-mpg’ if you use it on very short journeys in electric mode.

And as the PHEV only has a battery only range of 32 miles, well, you see my point.

Maybe this is the start of a rash of plug-in hybrid models which will improve with time? I hope so because the idea is a good one – just poorly executed in this case.

I imagine the court case has already happened – man run over by silent electric car. If not, it’s going to soon. As I pulled out of a hotel car park this afternoon a kindly old chap walked straight out of the foyer and in front of the PHEV.

Should electric cars have a ‘sound’ added to their drivetrain to warn pedestrians? What if somebody steps out in front of an electric car and then claims they simply didn’t hear the vehicle approaching?

Of course, noise pollution can be damaging too. So quite how we get around this issue as more and more electric cars like the Mitsubishi appear on our roads is one that’s open for debate.

Fortunately, the Outlander has exceptionally good brakes. That didn’t stop an angry man waving two fingers in my direction…

More beeping noises with the PHEV! This time it’s when I leave the key in the ignition. But it’s not a gentle ‘ping’ a la BMW. No, the Mitsubishi goes into an insistent rant which makes heads turn at the filling station (I’m topping up again. Remember the PHEV only has a 45 litre capacity).

Now I know that in America cars have every kind of safety device to ensure manufacturers aren’t sued under crazy public liability laws but this is England. May I suggest we simply don’t need such vulgarities?

I’m becoming a little paranoid by the Outlander’s warning devices and alarms. Using the PHEV on a daily basis is not a joyous experience because I’m constantly being told what I can and can’t do with dull monotony.

I would just like to get in, shut the door, press the start button and drive away with no fuss, no stress. Sadly, I think I’m more likely to see petrol at 50p a litre and a Labour government come May 8…

It may be the Easter Saturday traffic but I’m in a moody of unequalled grumpiness. Just why the British have nothing better to do than shop on the weekend is beyond me. That and reality TV is turning our brains to mush.

It’s the kind of day when I want to step out of my house and drive a car that rubs happiness onto my troubled brow. Instead, I’m being audibly assaulted by the Mitsubishi Outlander’s annoying array of warning sounds every time I go near the fecking thing.

For example, why do I need three loud beeps to tell me that the auto-boot closure is operating, when I have just pressed the button myself to operate it? One gently ping would be more than sufficient. There are warning bells for lane departure, door left open, gear select – all the things I actually know anyway.

But what really takes the biscuit is the fact the infotainment system on the Outlander is incredibly s-l-o-w. So when I slip the incredible gearlever into reverse and look at the rear-parking camera, the image doesn’t immediately show me the distance lines I would expect – or sound a distance alert!

The one bloody safety system I want to use is fast asleep. Frankly, I’m not impressed Mitsubishi…